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Mar. 6th, 2011 | 04:22 am

i love sara and jordan

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UNFINISHED

Jun. 30th, 2010 | 01:21 am

**UNFINISHED

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welcome back

Jun. 30th, 2010 | 01:19 am

so the only time i write in here is when i'm sad and depressed. mostly over JON. yes, he is still in my life. and still the only thing capable of making me depressed.

i want to eat food because i am a fat pig but im so sick to my stomach with depression that i have no hunger inside of me which is really saying a lot.

the month before jon was about to move to gainesville i was still seeing james. everyday jon cried and cried to me over the fact that i was with another guy right before he was about to leave. i still saw jon because i still loved him but i was sick of the fucking games. i found a guy who WAS nice to me (for a little while) and made me feel special and whatever. jon would call and call and call and cry ad message me and text me freaking out and call me mom and all this crazy shit that would just piss me off. he did it when i was seeing zach too. and then shit didnt work out with james and i called jon and i told him that i loved him and that i couldnt wait to see him and i wanted everything to go back to normal.

so we saw movies, we went to dinner, we cuddled, we hung out, we sat at my house, we went to the bar, we got drunk together, we had fun. he went to barcalona


(To be continued.....)

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book title

Mar. 30th, 2010 | 02:32 am

** better than calling fiction a memoir

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yesterdays feelings

Mar. 23rd, 2010 | 01:29 am

I don't even know how to explain/express the things that have been going on lately. I can't form anything into sensible sense.

I was about to attempt to explain what's going on in my mind/my intentions... but i realized if I posted that, I would be giving it away, duh.

Soo blablabla guys suck, FUCK EM ALL."iffff i was a boyyyy..." ick,

I've decided that I have to live on a beach at some point in my life. I've been to the beach aprox. 5/7 days for the past 2 weeks. I've gotten over the whole sand-being-on-everything thing. I'd love to live in a bathing suit everyday, read books, write books, take photos, barely care, and be able to enjoy a simple life. However, I wouldn't feel complete if that was my entire life. I need to be successful, and fulfill my dreams. I need to be independent, and create something of my own. I would love to prove myself to the world. I am capable of being independent. Following this I would like to be a housewife/mother, still creating and doing my own thing, but on a sophisticated level. I want to travel and see the beautiful places. I want to see the unfortunate places, too. Is that too much to ask? I guess I started too late. I should be in my beach front phase right now.

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blaaa bla bla

Mar. 19th, 2010 | 12:41 am
mood: apatheticapathetic

this will probably end up being a bunch of random paragraphs of things on my mind lately.. here goes..

i have come to the conclusion that i work every thursday night and when i get off work.. there is NEVER anything going on. i sit at home online every thursday night. whatever.

i really wanna smoke a cig right now, bob just reminded me.

family guy is on and it’s actually really bothering me, i’m not in the mood for these cartoon voices. oh yeah, my remote is broken and i’m sick of getting out of bed.

i’d rather be at a bar right now. HA, edwin from hideaway honestly asked piper if i was a prostitute. i should probably stop going to the bar alone….

okayyy, just remembered that i had a few ambien lying around.. i obviously use it to sleep. anyway, forgot that i had 4 of them in my hoodie pocket a week ago.. randomky found one in my bed and i took it the other night. vacuumed one up the other day so i knew 2 more had to be around my room somewhere. got out of bed.. looked around for about 1 minute and found one on my floor! cool!

ugh i turned the fan on for some air and because it gives off that sort of soothing, familiar noise.. but all i hear is plastic bag blowing around in my room. fan off. just managed to find my earphones so i might resort to my new playlist on itunes. actually, that 70’s show just came on„ i can deal with that.

i’ve been listening to pandora in my car through my blackberry app lately. i’ve been too lazy to make new cd’s, i hateeee the radio and i still haven’t gotten a new itouch. i really love pandora.. except it likes to ignore the fact that i “thumbs down” most dashboard, nfg, rise against, jimmy eat world, etc… isn’t it supposed to weed those similar songs out, so i like everything i hear?

btw, i still want a pair of big, old school, chunky headphone.. preferably a shade of yellow. (a shade of yellow, i have to remember that…)

sooooo everyone’s at dayglow… i swear i do not like clubs. i was supposed to go with jon actually.. but now that he has a new girlfriend an alll… that’s awesome. it’s been 3 years .. i guess it had to end sometime. don;t get me thinkinnnn

my mind is flooding with more ramble but i can’t go on right now….

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Bright Eyed

Mar. 3rd, 2010 | 12:42 pm

I finally got busy enough and distracted enough with my life to leave livejournal for a bit. I'm back because I just got done reading Raider's whole journal. We always used to leave secret posts aimed at each other where only we knew what we were talking about. We had some good times and some awkward times.. but more good times than bad. I know I was a bitch but I was just bitter. I wish I would have cherished our time together rather than being a dumbass, especially when I saw him last weekend. I really did always care about you Raider. I am truly sick to see you gone. I HATE it. I keep thinking about you and your face and all the time we spent together. You were always fucking insane. I really don't know what you were thinking, getting that jeep. You were always fucking up your cars! And riding in it with no top and no seatbelt. I'm pissed at you for this. You should still be here! In fact I'm expecting to see you tonight at the Edison... Well.. this just concludes all the emoemoemo shit we used to talk about back in the day. Love and Miss you Raider McGovern!!! I just honestly don't believe you're gone.. FUCK

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shut up and let me go

Sep. 10th, 2009 | 05:45 pm

You're feeling a little lost today, and for good reason -- you're not getting the guidance you need! Unfortunately, that guidance is not forthcoming today, so try to find your way without a map.

It could be that you need to broach a difficult topic or just create some new space for your relationship to grow, but now is the time for you to break down any internal barriers you know about.

Dang.

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Why do we scream at eachother?

Sep. 5th, 2009 | 10:30 am
mood: cynicalcynical

This really fucking sucks. I hate waking up from a dream about you, still foggy, thinking we're together. Especially on a day that I cannot escape it. Of course it's much easier to deal with when I'm busy and don't have time to waste sulking about how much I truly miss you. That's why you can get over it, or pretend, so easily. And it sucks because every other time shit like this happens I've managed to turn it around and get my way. I know that I'm fully capable of getting someeething back from you.. but it's difficult when you're away. UGH it's only 10:30 and I"m already ranting and raving. Whatever, after work give me some tequilla and take me out, I'll be just fine.

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Karma Police

Sep. 2nd, 2009 | 06:34 pm
mood: determined

I'm finally beginning to realize that whatever notion I had to force our relationship forward needs to be dismissed. Me trying and trying to beat a dead horse is only hurting me, us. If I want to, in any way, salvage what we may have left I need to let us both heal. Separately, mentally, emotionally and physically. All of this is very important to me and I won't let it just fade away.

I've been surrounding myself with positive people. People I can count on, who don't put me down. People who make me smile and are genuinely interested in my life and not just themselves. That's what is most important right now.

274

I'm so used to this roller coaster that I barely get upset anymore. Me wasting my time getting upset and being negative serves no purpose when things just get better and I know it will all happen over again. Now I'm dealing with it the best way I can. September will be my month. I won't let anyone or anything get in the way of my happiness and well being.

I need to conquer this life on my own for a while. It's time to grow up and not depend on anyone else to help me along the way. Especially a boy. I'm hopeful that this is the better side of the leaf.

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